Hello

Hello there, it has been a while since I write something here.

I had a lot of things to share here but I was too lazy to do it XD I made a purchase from Japan, some Inuou goods! I hope it arrives soon

I'm thinking of making a "confort bag", the concept it's a bag (I bought one recently with traditional japanese pattern, that's why it's a bag) with all my favorite things. I'm very attached to my belongings, specifically my favorite ones so I thought about keeping them all in one bag and place it on my desk next to my bed.

I also like the idea of a plushie with a zipper where I can keep my cute things inside... I have a macaron shaped pillow but it's too big and my dog wants it as a toy.

I should clean and tidy my desk (and my room in some extent), but it's a complete mess and I don't want to touch anything filthy.

There is an art event of my OTP and one of my favorite tropes!

I'm thinking about submitting a fanart but the thing is... the requirements to apply are too strict for being a fandom thing.

They will judge your work by anatomy, background and such (also character portrayal) to determinate if you can apply or not, which honestly makes me feel intimidated to participate. Not only because I'm insecure about my art habilities but because I believe this kind of stuff is supposed to be fun and not feel like I'm applying for a job XD

At this rate only known artists with professional looking fanart gets to participate on those things and get their work shared, while new and hobbyst creators who make stuff out of love for the source media gets ignored and feeling left out for not having "good looking" works.

I know I sound kind of bitter but it's true, fandoms are losing the sense of community... and now you only get to conversate with other people if you're a popular creator or have tons of merch to show off (I'm not going to lie, I love seeing other people's goods collection so I understand why this happens XD)

But well, I will think what I can draw to submit to this event, I want to try because I love this pairing ^^

Yesterday I started to design my self-insert character.

Since my childhood I has been inserting myself in fictional worlds where I and my favorite characters live together. Althought I made my own original characters for those stories, in my early years I would use an already existent character from a cartoon I like as my self-insert, I would roleplay being that character but now I was just using her resemblance for my own original character, I kept her name and some traits from the character's physical appearence...

And I'm re-designing her because even if she's inspired in that character, I don't want my character to be her. I just kept the name and hairstyle as an inspiration from where the character came from, but she's likely her own character with her own personality and interests.

She doesn't even resemble myself at all either, althought she's what I would like to be and look... she's my projection but not myself hahaha.

For now I will draw her interacring with my dear fictional husbando, it makes my heart flutter and I also would like to write some fanfiction for myself >.< I'm so excited... it was something I missed doing, as when I was a kid I would do tons of drawings and comics about my Naruto oc and her adventures in that world!

I want to keep drawing things I like, even if I'm not posting them anywhere! but well... I was thinking about dA because of nostalgia but that site isn't as good as it used to be and I also thought about pixiv.

This website is also an option but still don't know how to add images properly, maybe I can do a side site to share all my drawings. But I'm quite secretive about all this self-insert stuff not only because I'm shy about it but because I consider it a very personal thing. Still I want to share my love for Suguru, he's the love of my life and I hope he stays as my one and only husbando forever.

Hello, it has been a while.

I hasn't been posting anything because I really didn't had anything nice to share... only gloomy thoughts. And I noticed that the most of my updates here are kind of gloomy.

But I can't help it, I'm currently very depressed and spiraling down every day.

There are a lots of things on my mind but since yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about how I subtly stopped trying to make art and pratice to improve it. It was my main hobby and it turned into the thing I least do, I barely draw for myself when I'm bored but I don't get to finish anything I start to draw.

My graphic tablet will turn 10 next year already, and I didn't achieved anything or improved in those years. I couldn't even get a small audience in my art pages (that I contantly rebrand). Trying to be "someone" online makes me feel miserable, the algorithm, comparing myself with other artists, it was rotting my heart.

I wish I could at least finish a fanart, I don't even have to share it anywere. But... I'm losing my will to do anything.

I know it must be because of depression, but I truly don't have the will to do anything, I don't make the effort and that's why my art and quite anything I try to do fails.

I just keep thinking about all the things I could have done and all the lost opportunities but I know I will never do anything about it.

Sometimes life is so crushing that everything feels meaningless.

Dear Akira Toriyama...

Hello, I'm someone who grew up watching Dragon Ball.

Dragon Ball was one of the first anime I ever saw in my life, but it was the one that had a huge impact in my life. It may sound like I'm exaggerating but I swear that if it wasn't because of Dragon Ball, I will not be the person I'm today.

Today when I wake up and remembered the notice, my mind was flooded with good memories from my childhood. And I want to share them with you, even if some of them are kind of embarassing...

Please, bear with me.

The first manga I ever had was Dragon Ball's volume 7. I was at my grandparents home after school and my grandmother took me to the newsstand to buy me a magazine. And between all the things they had, I spotted that manga.

At that time I already knew Dragon Ball's anime but wasn't aware it was a manga adaptation.

Back at my grandparent's home I started to read it. But the thing was... I started to read it from left to right. And it was so confusing but entertaining.

Then I realized I was reading it backwards!

In that volume, there's also a chapter with Dr. Slump characters. How nice, I really like Arale as well!

I remember watching Cell Saga with my younger brother and cheering the characters. I remember playing dragon ball by myself, I had my own original character and would imagine her interactions with the characters, specially with Vegeta which was one of my favorite characters. One of the things I used to play was Vegeta and Bulma adopting my character and raising her as their child! Embarassing... isn't it?

She also was highly inspired in a character from other anime...

I also fantasized with "buying Dragon Ball's "company" and producing my own chapters and merch", not knowing how it really worked. Sorry for wanting to steal your work when I was a child!

I had a small Gohan figurine I would carry everywhere with me. He was so small and adorable, I really cherished it. I would place it in my pillow so he would sleep next to me... and it always ended up falling under the bed >.<

Your work also inspired me artistically. I already used to draw a lot, but Dragon Ball was very inspiring and I would draw the characters a lot. I kept a few of those drawings and I cherish them.

Later I would draw my favorite characters in your art style, I remember drawing Pucca's characters that way and making a comic XD

I ended up studying arts for twelve years... and I still dream about making my own comic...

I had a flip phone and since I couldn't download images to my phone to use as a wallpaper (I didn't even had internet in my house), I would go to my aunt's home to search images and take pictures of the screen with my phone. It was a whole experience to look up for things on internet and specially youtube.

And don't let me get started with friendship. Dragon Ball really huge and everyone knew it, from the most hardcore otakus from the classroom to the kids who called anime "cartoons".

(Well, anime is in fact... cartoons)

I was friends with the hardcore otakus from my classroom, gladly we were not bullyied from being otaku because we were many and one of our main conversation topics was Dragon Ball.

There were two kids from another class (they were twins) that everyone called "The super-saiyans" because they were blonde and would stand in the center of the school yard and do the fusion dance. They were not very social but it was fun to see them trying to fuse.

I just remembered I also wanted to get a tattoo of the characters (from that part of Majin Bu's saga opening where all the characters are posing together) in my back, but it would take up all my back!

Ah, is it okay to tear up while writing this?

I feel moved, and sad because this was so unexpected. I also feel extremely grateful for all those memories I has been listing here, there are more but I don't remember them at all.

But I keep them in my heart and remember them with a lot of happiness, because these were the best years of my life. Even if I currently wasn't into the newest things that were released (the last thing I saw was the early episodes from Super).

Now I'm alreay an adult, who draws, who collects manga and studies japanese with the dream of becoming a manga translator some day.

And I think it all started with that manga my grandmother bought me at the early 2000s.

Dragon Ball, your legacy, changed my life. It changed a whole generation's life.I wonder if you were aware of the impact you had in the culture. Because it's huge, you're huge.

And again, thank you for your hard work, thank you for your creativity, thank you for making something that changed my life and made me the person I am today. I will be grateful all my life and I will remember you as long as I live.

Goodbye, Akira Toriyama. Fly high!

I want to pay my own Crunchyroll account when I get a job.

I watch anime with my friend's account (that she also share with her other friends) and I feel kind of embarassed because it doesn't have a profile system like other services. So everyone can see what each other watch and everyone's stuff gets mixed in the "keep watching" section...

It's not like I have something to hide, it's purely shyness about being seen as a hardcore otaku and because I have a reserved personality.

I don't say this to discredit them but it's just that they're from the people who got into anime post 2016. And I really... don't get along with "new" anime fans because our ways to enjoy it are different. And it's okay.

Now I'm about to watch Yubisaki to Renren. I already knew the manga but didn't read it, only had it in my list XD

I also want to rewatch Trigun, I really love those series and I miss Vash... soon the manga with be published here and I can't wait to get it (althought collecting manga became an expensive hobby in my country)!

There are a lot of things I want to watch and read, but even if I have enough time I don't have the energy to do it. I don't know why... I feel like I can't concentrate on it and it's kind of annnoying because I have a lot of things to watch! and if I even get a job... I will not have time to watch things anymore!

Today I'm writing a lot of things, isn't it? ^-^

Maybe it's because I don't get to talk a lot and share my things, this is like my virtual diary!

There's a chance Haikyuu's movie gets released in my country, and I have mixed feelings.

It throws me back to when I was a spokon fangirl and fills me with nostalgia! I saw Haikyuu's first season when it was airing and waited for the episodes every week.

But I never got past the second season, I didn't even finish it and I feel like I can't. I tried but I get bored easily, it feels more like a chore than something I'm enjoying even if I like the characters and watching sports anime.

If I think a little about it, I think I feel like this because I don't want to lose the opportunity of experiencing the movie in the cinema. But I don't feel like speedrunning (?) the anime in order to watch the movie. If I wasn't capable of watch it before, it will be worse if I force myself to watch... I don't even remember how many seasons it has!

But who knows... I still love Kenma althought >.<

These days have been weird.

Or at least, I feel weird. It's hard to not collapse while trying to get myself together. There is a lot in my mind and it's so puzzling because I feel like an empty shell but at the same time I feel overwhelmed by everything.

The only thing that keeps me going is my strong resilience.

Letting aside those gloomy thoughts, I had some refreshing moments recently. The beach really is my place, swimming in the ocean is everything for me. I feel really connected with the sea, I really don't understand why but I always yearn to be one with the waves.

Is it normal?

Well, I don't have the answer, but recently I participated in a talk and activity about Korean sea women. Seeing those women feeling the same about the sea made me sob and feel extremely identified. One of them loved the sea so much that she wished to die in it's depths, one day when the sea women went to dive, she got into the water but didn't came back.

I was extremely moved and realized that there is something about the sea that makes you feel like this.

Ah, writing this makes my hands tremble and wanting to dive into the water.

The sea will take my pain away, after all it and my tears taste the same.

I like the smell of sunscreen!

I just finished reading chapter 8 of the fanfic!

I'm very surprised about this story. At the first three chapters I thought I could tell how it was going to be, but then the story took a complete different direction!

The sudden switch was not what I expected but I don't dislike it, I'm really curious about what will happen next... althought I really thought it was going to be different.

I wish I could read more but as I said... one chapter per day only XD!

Besides that, I already feel kind of attached to this fanfic. It has been a while since this happened, the last time was almost ten years ago hahaha. But that story is slightly bitter sweet because that fic remains unfinished... gladly I left that fandom so I really don't care anymore about it.

About this fanfic and my attachment... first, it's from one of my OTP from Jujutsu Kaisen, the series I'm really into. And doesn't help that one of the characters in said pair is my (current) most beloved fictional character.

And the ways it handles certain topics and situations really touches me in a personal way. I know I may sound biased but it's true!

These kind of fanfics make me want to print them and keep them physically.

Today was a calm day.

I wish there was a way to write entries instead of having to edit this site HTML to add new updates, but well... sometimes you have to take challenge.

Sometimes I wish the world wasn't too hostile. I feel like it's too hard to socialize and coexist.

Recently I was remembering one of my coworkers at the library. We had a lot of things in common and it was just too easy to speak with him, besides that he approached to talk with me... I'm really self-conscious about myself and I tend to feel like I'm annoying, so I avoid people to not annoy them so he approaching by himself meant a lot to me.

I regret not asking for his social media, but I believed it was inapropriate to ask that to a person I just met... maybe it's because I was raised in the old internet where you only interacted with people you knew and avoided strangers. At that time social media used to be more personal and private.

I always think about all the people I met one time and never saw them again, maybe I could have make good friends. But I think it's part of life, like when you're a kid and meet another kid at the playground. You play with them until your mother says it's time to leave and you never see your play friend ever again.

And I then remember how much I fear of loneliness. It's something sensitive for me but I'm trying to understand it... I'm a loner by nature, I enjoy time with myself and doing things by myself.

Then I realized I didn't fear being alone at all, but feeling forgotten, rejected and loveless.

I don't want to think too much about it, but I wish it was easier... and diferent. Too much different.

Is it okay to write about something completely random after expressing my gloomy feelings?

I'm reading a long fanfic! And I like it so much, I really wanted to write about it somewhere XD

Longfics are the best, this one has 27 chapter and today I'm reading chapter 6. I try to read one chapter per day because I want to enjoy it the most I can and make it last, but honestly I could read it in one go.

But I'm a lover for slowburn love... althought I noticed this one didn't had the slowburn tag, but it surely is!

Little Yuji

While my mind is spiraling down, I realized that I'm obsessed with adolescence.

It's something that was roaming on my mind for a while but I didn't want to aknowledge.

But since I became an adult, people tend to tell me I don't look my age... but what they really meant is that I don't act my age. Recently a coworker told me that I act like a teenager and I has been thinking about it for a while.

If I have to be honest, I'm kind of attached to things related to youth. Not only my personality or interests, but I have a deep feeling of longing... I noticed it tends to happen when I'm watching a show or a movie focused on high school life or coming of age.

Maybe it's because you're a teen once in a lifetime and my teenage years were weird and I spent that time being depressed. Or because I'm already finding white hairs in my head and I feel like time is fading from my hands and I'm not fully enjoying my life.

I don't act like a teenager in purpose, well... I never thought I may give the impression I was acting like one. I was just being myself.

I don't even know why I'm writing this... I felt like it. Recently everything feels weird.

Today I was showering and had that feeling, I had to crouch in the shower's floor and curl into a ball as my hearbeat quickened. I don't know why that happened...

Today I had my end of the year reunion from my Japanese school.

I don't know if this counts as a bonenkai party because I didn't saw anyone having alcohol. I ate a lot of food, at first I felt insecure because I'm a heavy picky eater (not because I want to) but I tried all the food and I liked most of them! We had gyoza, takoyaki and sushi, and I ordered tonkatsu with rice.

Only one guy from my class came to the reunion, all the other attendees were people I didn't know. I was kind of intimidated by this guy because a long time ago I found out both of us took the same train to go home after class, but when I tried to talk to him he just ignored me o_o... but today I found he's very nice and talkative but probably shy, I judged him wrongly.

Also... I thought our sensei was going to sit with us but he was sitting in another table...

Today I felt hopeful. I want to become more social and make friends, I tend to feel awkward around people because I'm afraid they find me weird... and I also want to do my best with my japanese classes, this year it was kind of hindered and I have to review all the lessons I had this year.

And... as an objetive, I would like to (some day) have a page like this but all writen in japanese. I will start writing a diary in japanese to pratice (my calligraphy is awful), I'm truly looking forward to become better... wow this really sound like my New Year wishes.

I don't want to be greedy and write an unpossible wish list for the next year... I just want to become better.

At least as most as I can...

After the reunion I went to buy a shirt to wear tomorrow but it was sold out T.T someone bought it yesterday, so I got a pair of earrings! They're so cute! One has a rabbit and the other the 月 kanji, both with shiny hearts!

I will find a way to attach pictures here so I can show my cute earrings >w<

I had a nice day today.

Going out and doing things keep your mind occupied and at the end of the day you feel exhausted, so sleeping becomes easy.

Today I went out with my friend, we ate a lot of things and went to a showroom and bought a lot of fanmade merchandise! I got a lot of Jujutsu Kaisen stuff, it really gives me a lot of joy.

I'm getting a lot of acrylic keychains but I don't know where to put them. It's a big problem I have, I don't want them to get stained or broken so I just keep them in a tiny box where I keep all my trinkets. Sometimes I attacht them to my diary too.

Speaking of Jujutsu Kaisen, today got aired the last episode from the second season... I still have to watch the previous episode but since I already read the manga I'm not that desperate to know what to happen next.

Now I want to sleep a little, I feel tired.

I'm still figuring out how to use this...

This is my first daily update, hello!.

I'm currently working on this website, so please bear with me. This page will be dedicated to write things about my daily life and random stuff.

I just ate a plum as I'm working on customizing this place, I'm also thinking about all of this. I'm not sure what direction I will give to this site, some people share their art, others write specific stuff but I really don't have a specific thing I want to share... I'm very used to be on tumblr but this is kind of different.

People is still interested in looking up to websites and just see random stuff? I hope so, that's the only thing that motivates me to update this place.

I like to write even if I'm not that interesting, but deeply I would like people to think I'm interesting.